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We were just informed by 23 and me that of our 277 Neanderthal variants we are a the very least one lousy Neanderthal.
23 and me reports specifically identified variant shows we should be less likely to have a fear of heights. Oh great, now we can finally go on that skydiving class over the Angel Falls and the Grand Canyon.
Fear…as compared to what, non-neanderthals, normal people, Denisovans?
Really people, be specific. Truth being we can’t stand on a step stool without feeling a touch of vertigo.
Here’s the gist of our updated 23 and me report:
Neanderthal DNA that may influence your traits
This report highlights associations between your Neanderthal variants and your traits, but it does not explore how other factors may be involved — such as your many other DNA variants, your environment, or your lifestyle.
Here’s our report of all of our identified 255 genetic variants that can be traced to the Neanderthals, ancient humans who mingled with modern humans before going extinct 40,000 years ago.
Other 23andMe Customers
Some people have Neanderthal variants other traits, such as: (Mind you these are variants we DO NOT possess…apparently)
| Variants we don’t possess | OOPS seems we do indeed |
|---|---|
| 0 variants having difficulty discarding rarely-used possessions. | We rarely throw anything away |
| 0 variants experiencing more itchy mosquito bites. | We are the mosquito magnet |
| 0 variants generally not feeling angry when hungry hangry). | Never get between us and a ham sandwich, buster |
| 0 variants having a worse sense of direction. I have an excellent sense of direction) | We never get lost…We can read a damn map |
| 0 variants being more likely to have an apple body shape than a pear body shape. | We as a big butt pear all our life |
| 0 variants having a worse ability to smell. | Excellent nearly a super smeller |
| 0 variants being more likely to have a fear of public speaking. | Can’t get us to shut up speaking publicly we’ll talk whether you want us to or not. You know who you are. |
| 0 variants being more likely to cry while cutting onions. | only in our youth |
| 0 variants being less likely to have hitchhiker’s thumb. | Right Again as you can see.
No resemblance… We got Hitch Hiker’s thumb on steroids. https://bioinformatics.csiro.au/blog/do-you-have-the-genetics-for-the-hitchhikers-thumb/We have the most exquisite hitchiker’s thumb we should be a hand model for thumb sucking prevention…we coulda choked to death on that monkey thing… |
| 0 variants being a better sprinter than distance runner. | Definitly sprinter. Occasional sprints to the bathroom |
| 0 variants being less likely to prefer salty foods over sweet. | Give us a salty dawg over a bananna split any day |
| 0 variants being more likely to sweat during a workout. | Who TF doesn’t sweat during a work out. That is simply not a work out. |
| 0 variants being more likely to have detached earlobes than attached. | And yet we do have big floppity loppity ear lobes. |
| 0 variants being less likely to have a chin dimple. | First correct one! We have no Kirk Douglass raisin chin! |
| 0 variants having more dandruff. | Never had dandruff |
| 0 variants being less likely to blush easily. | nope |
| 0 variants being less likely to sneeze with a full stomach. | WTF? Now a glass of wine or two, now we’re sneezin! |
| 0 variants being less likely to have stretch marks. | A sexist conclusion…birth babies much? |
| 0 variants eating leafy greens less frequently. | how does availability to fresh greens figure into DNA variants |
| 0 variants being more likely to prefer dark chocolate over milk chocolate. | Dark chocolate is ourlife. Sweet chocolate is sicky sweet! |
| 0 variants being less likely to sneeze after eating dark chocolate. | WTF? Now a glass of wine or two, now we’re sneezin! |
So now you know. The researchers are fuck-all at variant sequencing it appears…or just balls out guessing and tossing it out as a quadrillion piece jig saw puzzle. You know, the really fun ones you varnish and hang on the wall.
That’s about what it’s worth.
One day…Utopia and most of us will be dead or abandoned on a desolate earth. Ya we watched the shows, we read the books.
Which reminds us of the final chapter of time Machine. No, really this is the last one.
Nobody lives.
Spoiler alert.
We got that backwards didn’t we?
HG Wells Time Machine in 30 seconds
